Introduction From “A Mother’s Manual”
Eli Reed (1999) Magnum Photos.
I had a close relationship with my literature teacher, Ms. Joe, when I was in 10th grade. What connected us was our love of words, but what sustained us was her investment in my budding womanhood. During lunch I would seek refuge in Ms. Joe's classroom, where I would share with her my latest revelations about life or discuss the whatever book I was reading at the time. I distinctly recall running to her one afternoon to relay an argument I had with my mother the night before over some sort of teen-angst "she just doesn't get it" type problem. I will never forget how Ms. Joe told me to retell the story, but insisted that I replace all the times I said "mom" with my mother's name, Darlene. I began to retell the story, but immediately found that I had made unrealistic demands of my mother, who, in that moment, I realized was a whole human being who was simply trying to understand me as another whole human being.
I tell this story to say that learning what it is to be a mother is so much more than reading a book or taking a Lamaze class. Learning to be a mother is a constant lesson in understanding--- understanding what it means to be a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a student...a person. When we take on the task of donning the title of these sacred roles, it becomes easy to forget that we are still developing ourselves as individuals apart from who we are in relation to the ones we love. The greatest gift my mother ever gave me as a daughter, and continues to give me, was permission to be myself. On the seventh day of October of 1996, she named me Bianca. But from that day onward, she has allowed me to decide what exactly that means. Mothers do not make children anymore than seeds make flowers or garages make cars. Mothers give life to children, and give space for those children to become whoever it is they become. It is a continual gift and a perpetual honor to be a mother— a daughter, a sister, a teacher, a student, a friend.
This blog is as much about honor as it is about anything else. This work is about partaking in the sacred ritual of gift-giving, everyday, for all time. Motherhood is an occasion you rise to. And though this blog will begin to both prepare you for the occasion and prepare you to give that gift, it could never adequately express what it will mean for your children to receive it. What you are about to read is not a how-to manual; it is a testament to the gift my mother has given me every single day of her life. This blog bears witness to all she has ever done for me as both a mother and as herself, Darlene. The result of this book, my life and the lives of my siblings, is an attempt to return that gift, though always in a haphazard and less graceful manner than she has employed. Though I hope my daughterhood and womanhood (and eventual motherhood) is an adequate display of thanks for that gift, if not, I will simply say here-- Darlene, my mother, a million times thank you for rising to the occasion. I am who I am because you are who you are. And you are something special.
"A man came to the Prophet and said, ‘O Messenger of God! Who among the people is the most worthy of my good companionship? The Prophet said: Your mother. The man said, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man further asked, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Then your mother. The man asked again, ‘Then who?' The Prophet said: Your father."
-Islamic Proverb
